


darlin', don't you join in (you're supposed to drag me away from it)

by bellamyblakru



Series: we all got a dark side...darling, this is mine. [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Canon Era, King Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Protective Lancelot (Merlin), but you know they love each other they are just emotional suppressed idiots who we love, hmm a lil darker merlin (im aiming for all my fics to be like that tbh), merthurweek2021, no beta we die like everyone merlin loved, uh arthur takes it badly AT FIRST, well..hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellamyblakru/pseuds/bellamyblakru
Summary: Day 1 - “I can’t think straight with you!”
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: we all got a dark side...darling, this is mine. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174037
Comments: 4
Kudos: 95
Collections: Merthur Week 2021





	darlin', don't you join in (you're supposed to drag me away from it)

“It was me,” Merlin whispered in the quiet throne room, the small noise reverberating. The sunlight was quickly fading into another cold winter night, the reds and oranges spreading across the darkened floor. Merlin vaguely wonders why the sight reminded him of a battlefield.

The woman on the floor shivered as all eyes turned to him. Merlin hasn’t broken his stare on her, however, since she was roughly thrown on her knees in front of the entire room a few minutes ago. She was caught staring intently at Arthur for an extended period of time, and the guard who noticed believed that she was placing a curse on His Majesty. 

Merlin knew, for a fact, that this woman did no such thing. Her name was Alora, and unbeknownst to her, she had a decent amount of magic hidden deep within herself. Merlin felt it the minute he met the fairly new servant, and had kept a close eye on her, but she had no idea the potential she wielded. Unfortunately, this was her first time seeing Arthur in person—and Arthur was fully encapsulated in protection spells. Merlin’s magic circled Arthur like a moth to a flame. Anyone with a strong inkling of magic would take a quick look at Arthur and turn in the opposite direction, which is exactly what Merlin wanted. It kept Arthur safe and the bad guys looked for him instead. 

Merlin had been accidentally building Arthur’s protection for years before he realized he was doing it, and when he did notice, he started placing better shields around the King when he could. Arthur was probably the safest person in this kingdom—and if Merlin really looked into it, he was probably the safest person in all of Albion. When Merlin dies, the fundamental foundation of spells, that are almost woven into Arthur’s being, remain intact—Merlin had tested this theory unwillingly, but this fact made it worth it in the end. 

It was that thought that gave Merlin the courage he needed to speak then—the knowledge that if Merlin truly dies for this, then at least Arthur will remain safe without him on some level. 

Arthur laughed, the noise too disruptive for the stillness permeating in the air, “Merlin, your bravery is noted, but this is not the place for—“

Merlin snapped his gaze to the king, stopping him mid-speech, with his eyes the burning the brightest gold imaginable. 

The world around them exploded into chaos—knights ran towards Merlin, the audience gasping and running to the edge of the room, the woman on her knees scrambling away to Gwen, Gaius unconsciously walking to his ward with tears in his eyes, Lance and Gwaine blocking anyone from coming any closer to warlock. 

The only constant was Arthur and Merlin. They did not move. They did not break their stare as the mayhem continued around them. Merlin didn’t let his magic stop showing—not for a single moment. If this was to be his end, he wanted to go out with the entire truth on the table. 

No more lies.

The room snapped to silence with Arthur’s quiet, “Out.”

No one moved. 

“Did I not say it clearly? Get. _Out_.”

The room filled with fast footsteps, and Merlin noticed Gwen helping the servant to her feet, letting the poor girl lean on her the entire time. At least she will be okay, Merlin thought, frowning when he realized Lance and Gwaine stayed. 

Arthur noticed at the same time, narrowing his eyes as he stood up, “You are picking treason?”

The coldness in his words sent a shiver through Merlin—he didn’t want to make his friends watch him die, that wasn’t fair. 

Right when Gwaine opened his mouth, both of the knights already taking a defensive stance, Merlin put his hands on their shoulders. They snapped their attention to him, fierceness in every feature. 

“This needs to happen,” he whispered so only they could hear, the thank you went unsaid but not unheard as the knights tensed a bit before nodding sharply. Gwaine scowled and hit Arthur’s shoulder with his own as he passed, as Lance stayed behind a moment longer. 

“Merlin, you should not face this alone,” and Merlin could tell how much Lancelot believed this.

Merlin pulled him into a quick hug, “If anything happens to me, make sure Gwaine doesn’t do anything he would regret, hm?” 

Lance tightened the hug before pulling back to look him in the eyes, “If anything happens to you, who will stop _me_ from doing something I’ll regret?”

Merlin grimaced, “You have a life here, Lance. A good life, and Camelot needs you—“

“Yeah, well, we need you more.”

Merlin gave his dear friend a small smile, “It’s okay, Lance. Everything will be okay, I promise.”

Lance frowned a little but squeezed his shoulder before walking to the wooden doors without a glance to Arthur—and all the men knew every move was intentional. 

Arthur spun on his heels and walked calmly back to his throne, his back straight and his chin high. Merlin couldn’t help the small sigh of relief watching as Lancelot left the room. Facing years of lies would be hard enough—and he wasn’t planning on dragging his friends along with him. 

Merlin forced his stare back at his king, who just sat on his throne with a cold stare towards the ceiling. Merlin moved his leaden legs forwards, cursing the weakness of his fear. He did not fear much, that was for certain, but the few things that truly terrified him threatened to bring him to his knees now—as he was facing all of them at once. 

_Arthur hates you, he knows you’ve lied, Arthur hates you, he knows you represent evil._

Merlin swore his heart could be heard for miles with how loud it was beating. The sunlight was fading faster now, bringing Merlin’s will to live with it. 

He stopped in front of the throne and fell hard to his knees.

The distance between the king and his lionheart was almost a tangible thing—the pressure of it was suffocating the warlock, making him dizzy with the lost. 

Merlin stared at the hardwood as Arthur began laughing, the sound piercing his heart, and the king did not stop. 

The noise was void of mirth, filled with despair and hatred, with loneliness and horror. 

“The whole time,” Arthur spoke, the cold laughter cutting off abruptly, “The whole time you lied.”

Merlin did not dare to move his stare off the floor.

“Why am I even surprised?” Arthur huffed. “It’s not like I don’t get betrayed by every person I ever care about.”

Merlin heard Arthur’s feet land on the floor, and he stiffened listening to the steps come closer to him. 

“Why won’t you look at me, hm? Afraid to see what you’ve done, what you have ruined?”

Nothing. 

“Look at me.”

Merlin did not. 

Arthur bent down, grabbing Merlin’s chin roughly, almost hard enough to make Merlin flinch, “I said: Look at _me_.”

Merlin’s eyes unwillingly snapped to meet the king’s. Dark sky blue staring into light sapphire—both filled with a sort of hopelessness that has brought weaker men to their demise. 

Merlin knew his eyes had flecks of gold in them still—he didn’t have the energy to force them away. Everyday Merlin has spent all his energy hiding who he was, making him clumsy and fragile, but no more. He wasn’t weak, and he wouldn't show weakness now. 

Arthur stared and stared into his eyes, moments passed that could have been hours or merely minutes, before the king let go of Merlin’s face and plopped down in front of said warlock. 

The unadulterated sadness was coming off Arthur in waves, making Merlin’s heart beat unsteadily with his own horror that he caused this.

“Arthur,” Merlin dared whispered, unable to keep the silence, “Arthur?”

Arthur stared at him blankly with dilated eyes, breathing rapidly, and Merlin feared the king was going into a shock. 

“Arthur? Can you hear me? Tell me what I can do.”

Arthur blinked, “What haven’t you already done? Haven’t you done enough?”

Merlin didn’t back down—he needed Arthur to keep talking, needed him to break out of this shock before it hurt him further. 

“Yeah, I suppose I have. I need you to talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

They sat facing each other—both on their knees, the entire universe dwindling down to just them, nothing else mattered anymore. 

Arthur shook his head, anger quickly replacing the blank look, and growed, “I can’t think straight with you! You’re sitting here, telling me you _need_ me to talk, like this, _you_ , didn’t just commit treason moments ago! Was any of it true? When did you learn _it_? Have you not watched how many people get consumed in the power and alluring nature of magic? What of Morgana, or Morgause?”

Merlin blinked, not surprised, “Arthur..”

“No!” Arthur scrambled back, grabbing his sword, “No, you don’t get to call me that. Not anymore.”

Merlin distantly felt tears roll down his face as he bowed his head further, “Your sword is the only weapon that can truly kill me. My only request, if I may make one before I die?”

He risked his head back up for a second to see Arthur’s stricken face nod quickly for his permission, “Make it fast,” the king said, no emotion in his voice.

“Please don’t let this change you. You are a great king, but you are an even better man. You will blame yourself for who I am, but it is not your fault—not one bit. I was born to serve you, Arthur, and I’m not afraid to die for you. My main regret in my life is not telling you sooner, not sharing more with the one person I would burn the world down for,” Merlin wiped his trembling hand down his face, “You deserve the world, and I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you.”

Merlin heard the imperceptible hitch in Arthur’s throat and he bent his head further down, accepting his fate that this would have always come to this...to them.

Merlin flinched when he heard Excalibur hit the floor many feet away, gasping in a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he realized what that meant. He looked up quickly, “What..”

Merlin’s sentence died in his throat. Arthur was trembling, shaking his head ‘no,’ looking down at his hands like they didn’t belong to him. 

Gently, as to not spook the king, Merlin stood up on wobbly legs. Every bone, every nerve, every fiber of Merlin’s being aching to reach out to soothe all Arthur’s problems, to fix what he hurt.

“Arthur?”

The king looked up, the lost smothering his eyes enough to make Merlin stagger a faster step forwards.

“Why did you never tell me?” Arthur said softly, almost too soft to hear.

“You would’ve chopped my head off,” Merlin breathed out.

Arthur looked back at his hands, “I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“And I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

Arthur looked up slowly at Merlin, “That’s what worried you?”

Merlin gave a small nod, “Arthur, I never wanted to betray you. I was born like this, with magic. Most magic wielders are, frankly. We do not choose this. If I could stop…”

“Would you?”

Merlin tilted his head, “Would I what?”

Arthur turned to face Merlin completely, “If I asked, would you stop using magic? To stay at my side?”

Merlin paled, and he knew Arthur knew his answer by that alone, but he said, “If I could, I would have already. I tried, you know. Once. I hated the way I was different, how everyone was scared of me, or would call me names, so I tried to keep it in. I did it.”

Arthur frowned, “What happened?”

Merlin mirrored his expression, “I got sick. Mind you, I never get sick. I think it’s the way magic is inside me, as it’s in my veins. I need it as much as breathing, and it keeps me healthy. But I became so ill that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Mother was terrified,” Merlin shook his head, “I felt so... _empty_. Like a vital piece of me was drowning and I couldn’t swim my way back up. When I finally told mother what I was doing, she couldn’t stop crying. She told me how silly I was, how ‘I should not force myself to be anyone else.’ She told me to let it go, to bring the magic back into the light. It had been building for three days at that point, so when I let it go, the whole house exploded with colors, the fire roared to life, the floor was cleaned, and mother was floating in midair.”

Merlin took a pause, smiling at the memory of his mother squealing in delight, “After that, my mother made me promise to not do that again lest I wanted to die. And well? That frightened me just as much as Camelot did.”

Merlin looked up at Arthur’s exhausted face, his sorrowful eyes still boring into Merlin’s face, “Camelot?” Arthur whispered.

Merlin grinned a little sadly, “Yeah, well, growing up with tales of Uther Pendragon and the red capes snatching up those who possess the slightest of magic to strap them onto the pyre would strike fear in a young boy with uncontrollable magic.”

Arthur sat on the ground again, sitting with his legs crossed and his head in his hands, “Camelot.”

Merlin sat across the king once more, “I’m so sorry, Arthur, I-“

Arthur cut him off with a raised hand, staring back up at his face, “Merlin,” but he paused when Merlin couldn’t stop the hiccup cry escaping him at Arthur saying his name. 

Arthur looked worried, moving closer to Merlin, “What happened? What’s wrong?”

That made Merlin cry even more, however, but with a slight smile Merlin managed, “I just never thought I would hear you say it again.”

Arthur’s features softened, “Merlin, this is a lot. How can I trust you? Why is every instinct in my body screaming that I can trust you when you’ve lied for so long?”

When Merlin went to open his mouth again, Arthur cut him off, “But I still do. Trust you, care for you, I mean. Even when everything I had been taught yells at me the opposite. It wasn’t particularly easy growing up with my father, as you can imagine, but he was all I had. If he told me something was pure evil and must be stopped, then who was I to think otherwise? For years, people with magic had been persecuted under his reign, had been hunted down like animals. And it was all for his guilt? My mother did die in childbirth because of the deal Uther made?”

And at Merlin’s sad nod, Arthur frowned a little, “Ever since that day, the thought hadn’t left me, even when everyone said it wasn’t true. I felt her, my mother, and I knew she was right. I buried it deep down because every time I thought about it, the urge to kill my father would come back doubled. But killing him wasn’t the right choice. Killing is never the right choice. No, not when there are other ways without bloodshed. Didn’t you teach me that? That with uniting these lands, we need peace, not more war. You’re right, of course, just as much as you were then.”

Merlin was lost in Arthur’s determined expression, something traitorously close to hope sparking in Merlin’s chest. 

At Merlin’s silence, Arthur tilted his head, “No more lying?”

Merlin never answered faster in his life, “No more lying.”

Arthur blearily smiled, the look of anything but despair back on his king’s face made Merlin cry once more with the hope burning down his throat.

Arthur stood up, a hand reaching out for his warlock, “I am spent. Come with me and tell me everything you have done for Camelot, everything you have done for me.”

Merlin stared at Arthur’s hand, his own hand shaking violently in return as he reached up and was hauled to his feet. He stumbled a bit, making Arthur force out a small laugh, “You’re still clumsy, then?”

Merlin blushed, a grin on his face, “Well, I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t tired.”

Arthur hummed unconvinced, “We’ll see about that.”

And as they walked back to Arthur’s chambers side by side, Merlin knew that it would have always ended up this way...with them...shouldering destiny as one, like it was always meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO LOVELY HUMANS❤️ welcome to the beginning of merthurweek2021 ✨angst edition✨ WOOO lets do this!!
> 
> i hope this didn’t disappoint!! we only getting started with the sadness ™️👀👀
> 
> if you wanna stop by and say hello, im on tumblr as @bellamyblakru as well!! 
> 
> and if you are interested in joining the angst madness, we are on tumblr as @merthurweek2021 or mine or my admin in crime and the loveliest human i know @tkstrrand !!
> 
> (title: sedated by hozier)


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